a nightmare...

Posted by hotmommah at 04:10 PM on February 20, 2008.

i was bleeding... it hurts like hell! i was fu*kin scared! what have i done... it's a mistake that i don't want to commit again in my entire wasted life!

i was having second thoughs if i will post this entry but what the heck! i need to warn other people (esp. girls) and i hope this serves a lesson. i know some will critisize and judge me. but please hear me out and understand!

i was 18, studying in the states and came here to visit. when i came back to the states i was so sick (maybe bec of the sudden change of weather). took some meds and all but still felt sick. so i decided to see a doctor.

it's positive! the doc asked me if i want to keep it. i can't be! i'm not ready! no! she gave me some pamplets about planned parenthood and a number where i can call for some advice.

i didn't believe her so... after that, i bought a pack and see it myself. yea, she's right. it's indeed positive!

i called kurl right away (mind you it was 3am phil time then!). i asked him about me having an abortion. he didn't want to! what can he do. we were miles apart. besides it's legal and it is my freakin life! i know, stuborn right? yea that's me. a stuborn, hardheaded, careless lil bitch!

and so i visited their clinic after saving up money so i can have the pill procedure. there's so many people inside.... after the long wait, it's finally my turn. there's no turning back.

we had some counseling, gave me some papers to read regarding the procedure. i had some urine test and ultrsound too. it's about as big as my fist 9 weeks to be exact.

i was called to finally see the doc. he even told me i was tough bec i came there all by my self.

before i took this yellow pill i asked God for forgiveness. the doc gave me 4 other pill to put into my vig*na after 24 hours. the yellow pill suppose to stop the heartbeat and the other 4 to start the bleeding.

i was in doubt of corz, but i have to do it. i just have to! i must!

after 24 hours, i was alone (as always) just waiting for the clock to strike 2. that's the time that i have to insert those nasty pills on me.

i waited, and waited, and waited... i had to go wee-wee but i'm scared! scared of everything. scared on what to see and what to feel. but i really need to go. my stomach hurts. like a major dysmenorrhea. i felt sick even more. vomit, diarrhea...

i was bleeding... there's blood everywhere.

kurl called me up. i told him that i did it. my friends was very supportive and took care of me. no one in my family knows about it.

it's has been 2 weeks after that  and i was still soaked in blood. i had to go back for a follow up consultation. again same process, took some blood and urine test and the ultrasound. it's gone!

it has been 4 years from today that i had that procedure. it could have been a boy that i wanted if we kept it. he's turning four on sept.

i didn't regret it though. i believe it's ok to commit a mistake the first time but the second time na-ah... don't do it again. i've learned my lessons and gained experience. i knew how it was like (physically, mentally and emotionally).

Currently feeling: uncomfortable

9 nakielam